a gallagher tale
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You Were Made For Me
I have a goose egg on my forehead where Zane hit me really really hard with his metal John Deere truck yesterday while I was trying to get him in his car seat.
Sometimes... when Paul is hanging out with us... he seems to act like he thinks Shane treats me callously. At least he gives me the impression he thinks that way. When Shane will say something like, "Woman! Go get me this or that," or his old favorite "I'm the man and I make the rules!" Paul will be like, "Ohh, you're in trouble, you can't say that." And I don't understand it. Honestly. It makes me start to think about different relationships and different personalities and different viewpoints. And it leaves me thinking... I spent the ten years between my first kiss and my finding Shane just WAITING for him. Or looking for him. Hoping for him. You know? I don't know anyone else like Shane. Never have. So I didn't know what standard I was holding all my ex's up to, but there was one. Shane's that standard, the one that no one else could reach, no one else would ever even ASPIRE to. It's so different. I think in most relationships, there is dual responsibility. You are responsible for your decisions, and your partner is responsible for his decisions. And that works, for a lot of people. But that has never worked for me. I've never been good at that. I don't really want to make my own decisions and be responsible for their outcomes. I am not very good at decision making. I waffle. I overanalyze. I see both pros and cons and I can't decide and I definitely don't EVER want to be wrong. Honestly -- be it weakness or not -- I like looking to Shane. When there is a decision to be made that effects our entire family, I LIKE to look at Shane and count on him to make it. I like being able to depend on him to do the right thing for our family, and do his best for us. And I know that the responsibility of it all -- of us all -- takes its toll on him. I can see that he has a lot of stress, always having to make all the decisions, and having to decide what is the best thing for all of us. And in return for taking all that burden -- a small return -- he asks that I follow him. When he makes a decision, I support it. When he says what we are going to do, I do it. No questions, no doubts, no hesitation. It's a sort of blind thing, a blind trust & faith, and sometimes it's hard and sometimes I fail. But it isn't that much to ask of me. He's going to take all the pressure of our lives onto his shoulders, and I'm going to trust him that he's doing it right. And, really, I say more than I probably should. I tell him what I think, what decision I prefer, why I feel the way I do. And he makes the final call. Sometimes I try to exercise a veto power I don't have. Sometimes he accepts it. Sometimes he doesn't. In the end, I like having a head of the household that I can trust. It means a lot that he leads us with love. With the best intentions for all three of us. I think I was made to follow him. This set up... this is what I was looking for all along.
Most of the people in the office every day are young guys, mostly single, almost all without children. When Zane is faced with them each morning, he immediately runs crying to me in fear and shyness. I always cringe in guilt -- that's MY shyness in him. But just a minute later I can relax -- his dimples come out and he smiles and blows a kiss at the "stranger".. and that is his Daddy in him, counteracting his Mommy. And that's a good thing. :o)
1:28 p.m. - Thursday, May. 03, 2007
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Today is Sunday November 18th - Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007
Fixing Fence - Saturday, Nov. 17, 2007
Daring Husband, Darling Son - Thursday, Nov. 15, 2007
Daring Husband, Darling Son - Thursday, Nov. 15, 2007
To Tell You The Truth - Monday, Nov. 12, 2007
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